If this is what you call a good life, I want a better way to die

There won’t be heads-up on what this post is about. Go figure it out on your own. Picture is courtesy of Tauron Arena Kraków.

Green Day concert=happiness. I almost didn’t buy the ticket, thinking I haven’t been interested in them for years, also I’m not 14 anymore. But hell, I’d have regretted it so badly if I didn’t because it was perfect... very emotional to be honest. This music always touches that tiny spot of melancholy and nostalgia in me, and hearing it live blew my mind and put tears in my eyes. So, thank you for that, Green Day. Helped me in my teens, reassuring me as an adult.

Yeah, well, let’s talk a little about fake optimism. Yes, I know, this hasn’t started out to be rather depressive or boring, but I am experiencing another breaking point in this mess of a volunteering and this blog is supposed to be about what’s going on with me in Poland... Well, this is what’s been going on somewhere now and unfortunately even Green Day cannot put an end to it.

So fake optimism. You see, I googled this and people are clearly suffering from it in today’s overworking, overenthusiastic society where complaining about what you have is a sin (just think about the children of Africa, will you. Now, put a smile on your face and go back to work!) Though our dear friend Wikipedia calls it “learned optimism”, and says it’s actually an amazing skill that you can gain through hard work. I refuse to believe this because I don’t feel amazing, I feel fake.

For a couple of months now I’ve been doing this: whenever I do something that I haven’t done before on my EVS I think about it hard and say, yes, I learnt something new today. I experienced something new. Even if it is the smallest of things, like baking chicken or eating cake by the ocean (I haven’t actually done that but I will), and then I sort of force myself to be happy about it. The problem is that I started doing this with stuff I wouldn’t really enjoy or I wouldn’t do in the first place if I had a choice. This includes working with kids or teaching languages, basically most of the stuff I do around here... Don’t get me wrong, these are rewarding experiences that I am happy to have, but do I enjoy them?

The other thing I started doing is that at the end of each week I reflect on what happened and choose one-two events, stories that made me happy. I write them on a piece of paper and put it away for the end of 2017 so I could see how awesome my year was. What if nothing happened that made me happy in that particular week? I would probably choose the most satisfactory bullshit just so that I can write something.

Why? Because I’ve been lying to myself. Covering up misery by forcing myself to believe that this is great. This is hilarious and rewarding and challenging and beneficial for my future. Now, I know that some of it is true, but all I really KNOW is that I am bored out of my mind... I feel like I’m taking a step backwards from everything I have achieved so far. Yes, sure, I could take this as a year-long holiday but just here’s this uneasiness of wasting time I could never put up with! I would not be me if I could.

I also made myself hate complaining; I feel guilty every time I do. This is probably not healthy.

The second why is that why am I doing all of this to myself instead of admitting truly what I’ve just written above and try to change it. Leaving this place would be one solution but I cannot (don’t want to) do it until I found another project or job. Once that happens I’ll be tempted to cut my EVS shorter even though I hate quitting stuff. But why should I push something I do not enjoy and let myself be consumed by this grey boredom of first world problems?

My motto has been “Eliminate the negative, emphasize the positive”. I cannot decide which I’ve been doing; maybe I emphasized the positive so much so there’s nothing negative left and that’s how all of it turned into dullness... I’m such a genius. Solving my soul like that.

So there. Very useful blog post, very useful indeed. But guys, go to Green Day concerts. There’ll be one in Hungary in the summer, I hear. It helps you.